Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!

Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*

All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.

Me: Yay! No more periods!

Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.