Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that

BARBER: wow how much did you eat

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

🐦