The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
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Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Him: So what are you into?
Me: *thinking of the newspaper cutouts of Justin Trudeau all over my bedroom walls and ceiling* Politics.
If you think it’s hilarious that George Bush is getting a library, wait till you hear he was our PRESIDENT for EIGHT YEARS.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Me: This infomercial is so stupid.
*10 mins later*
Me: So all I have to pay on the 2nd one is the shipping and handling?
$5 a week has been coming out of my bank for months and i only just realized i adopted a kangaroo named Poppy on New Year’s Eve while i was destroyed
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.