[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
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I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
it was love at first sight
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet