Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.

My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

God: you’re man’s best friend

Dog: OMG! Love it!

God: yup

Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!

God: well..

Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!

God: you live in a kennel in the yard

Dog: what

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

I’m not lazy

Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”

They were going to a funeral.

Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.