Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
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Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Hear me out: WrestleVania
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Putting socks on my feet to keep me warm isn’t enough. I want them to come up to my shoulders
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.