Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
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cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot