Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
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American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate