Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *

Why does everyone on this bus hate me?

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

Oh thanks BBC.

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

“just sayin” who asked you though?

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

Fashion designers:
What do you want?

Women: uniform sizing across brands.

Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers

My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.

Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.