Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
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Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
*lost my marbles*
Weighs myself
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up