Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
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Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
Kids: Stay in school.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Y’all ready for this
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now