Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
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so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Incredible customer service.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
*orders delivery*
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
