Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

I’m not proud

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

Can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about

I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together

Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day

The French cow says MEUX…