Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

Things are finally coming to a head.

~inspirational zit

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻‍♂️

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*

My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.

My nephew: Ok i’ll try.

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”