Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

Ken is short for chicken

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”

Ooooh. That’ll show me.

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

My teenage children choosing violence

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…

When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”