Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
You Might Also Like
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
New Year’s hottest club is…Staying the Fuck Home. This place has EVERYTHING! Cheap drinks. Heavy pours. Your favorite spot on the couch. No bathroom lines. No cover for ladies (masks & bras not required). VIP fridge access. Live performances by you staring at your phone & MORE!
SF is the wild wild west man
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
If at first you don’t succeed, try try again
“Sir we test parachutes here, don’t say that to people”
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4