Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
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[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
*frowns in Scottish*
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?