@UnFitz

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

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@PetrickSara

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

@TheHyyyype

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

@maughammom

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

@Swoosh61

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

@Beatonm5

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

@Ristolable

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

@NotthatAdamWest

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

@Robbie_Cakes

Why do people always look so embarrassed walking down the street with a pizza box? Be proud man, you’ve got a pizza!

@DrakeGatsby

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.