Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

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“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family


ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school


ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th


Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.


Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.


So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??


[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk


The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.


Why do people always look so embarrassed walking down the street with a pizza box? Be proud man, you’ve got a pizza!


Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.