Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
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I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
are there any atheist mantises?
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.