@TheBoydP

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

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@aaronfredericks

[wedding]

PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake

ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret

@princess_snide

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

@Overdue_Bills

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

@Darlainky

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

@ArfMeasures

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

@BoomBoomBetty

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

@goldengateblond

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

@MelvinofYork

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me