PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
You Might Also Like
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
the opposite of a charles manson is a nicole kidman
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down