Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
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i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
The happy life.. 😊
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.