Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
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u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Cold.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*