Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
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My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
