Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
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her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History