Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet

こいつ天才

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car

My love language is deader than Latin

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

[first date]

HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?

ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when