Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
You Might Also Like
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on