Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
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Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
YouTube will put 50 mins of ads on a 10 min video to get me to pay but I shan’t be defeated
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
