Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful

I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.

Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

A roof is a house hat.

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

[first BDSM session]

Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?

Me: fwerd

Dom: No! SAFEWORD

Me: *flinching* FWERD