Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
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Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.