Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
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The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
☺️
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
*jingles half the way*
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.