Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

[texting]

Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?

Her: too long, didn’t read

Me: oh ffs you too?

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

theres been a horrible success at the accident factory

Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet

patient: well what does it actually say

doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!

Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle

[the purge alarm blares in the distance]

ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*