Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
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I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
10: I think I want to run the 10k
Me: Girl, you don’t even want to chase down the ice cream truck
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny