Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
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Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I love twitter
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.