Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
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My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here