Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rest assured?!

Buddy I have young children, the only thing I’m assured of, is that I won’t be resting for long

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”

Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?

wanted: shrödingers cat

dead and alive

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

I need a headline like this

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

Burning rubber…

While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad

[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt

Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.

My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”