Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every day Stephen King and I both:

1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before

WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM

Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!

My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

me: this haunted house is so scary

wife:

me: look at all the spooky witches

wife: we are in a house of mirrors

me: oh no they seem mad

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

all toddlers look the same when telling a story

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?

Me: She’s a week old!

Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere