Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
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The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Check out the legs on this baby
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.