Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
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In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Danger is very dangerous
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”