Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
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watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Grandmother clock.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
an octopus is just a wet spider
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.