Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
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There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”