Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mapping America’s Far Right

I am, perchance

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”

-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-