FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
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“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Dance like you’re not the father
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late