FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
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I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey