Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
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Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
pep talk
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*