Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
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I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.