Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
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coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
The legends were true
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.