Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”

So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.

Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.

Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.

ㅤ

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.