Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.

Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

[morning after getting drunk]

age 23: did i make out with that guy

age 36: did i wash my face

Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.

she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face

I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent

Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.