@nicfit75

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

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@Brampersandon_

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

@Mish3l_Ali

My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.

@HatfieldAnne

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

@KeetPotato

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

@Cheeseboy22

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

@momTruthBomb

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids

@PolhunterP

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

@JohnLyonTweets

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

@adult_mom

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics