Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
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Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English