Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

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THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude


My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.


It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.


[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”


Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”


When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids


Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..


One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.


I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics