Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

we’re gonna need another temp

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for

100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.

*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

Me: Do you like my jeans?

Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉

Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?

Her: ….

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic