@TheAlexNevil

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

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@13spencer

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

@Tups13

The stoners surround me very, very slowly. Three of them are eating cereal.
“Look guys,” I explain. “When I said I had a pot belly…”

@NotARatsAss

Want to spice things up? Look them right in the eyes and lick their fingers seductively.

My dentist didn’t appreciate it, but yours might.

@local__celeb

if im going on a date i think regardless of gender, the other person should pay. this is rooted in the fact that i don’t want to pay

@philYama

If losing a debate, end a sentence with “see what I did there?”. As your opponent tries to figure it out, hit them with closest blunt object

@thepaulahunt

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

@_ElvishPresley_

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

@ArfMeasures

Me: I think that’s Dave

Wife: It’s not Dave

Me: Gonna wave to him

Wife: Don’t!

Me: Hey Dave!

Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000

Me: It’s not Dave

@quietlybiased

Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.

@Just_A_Guy72

Flowers:

Because nothing says “sorry a loved one passed away” like something else that’ll wither and die right in front of you