Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
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When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
My dog learned how to text
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
this is the greatest thing ever
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.