If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
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The stoners surround me very, very slowly. Three of them are eating cereal.
“Look guys,” I explain. “When I said I had a pot belly…”
Want to spice things up? Look them right in the eyes and lick their fingers seductively.
My dentist didn’t appreciate it, but yours might.
if im going on a date i think regardless of gender, the other person should pay. this is rooted in the fact that i don’t want to pay
If losing a debate, end a sentence with “see what I did there?”. As your opponent tries to figure it out, hit them with closest blunt object
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Because nothing says “sorry a loved one passed away” like something else that’ll wither and die right in front of you