Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
You Might Also Like
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure