FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
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#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
The Backseat Boys
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
socratic questions
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.