Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.

him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.

I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”

Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

SCARY COSTUME

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

Sounds like a real hoot.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.