FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
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Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?