FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
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*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Beauty and the Beast
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
All my passwords are protected by short term memory loss.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy