Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.

(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.

Me:

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.

jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?