FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
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[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.