FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
You Might Also Like
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family