Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*

Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?

Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a

A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music

Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.