Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you religious?”

Bro I don’t even believe in myself

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move

My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls

Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude

Finally

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

ㅤ

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.

Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow

Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY

Me: You *just* ate

Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.