Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

Oh yeah that’s it

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

i’m sure it’s fine

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

Sir!!

Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.

A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.

If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.

*Negative people trying to ruin my mood

*Me

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation

My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.