FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
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Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Stop being racist to kettles.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings