FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
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Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I am also baked goods
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
we’re dead?
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Smile they said.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
When I said I liked it rough.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
this chia pet tastes awful
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it