Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

favorite tropes as memes

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob

Me: Why?

11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes

𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.

Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone