Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

Pro tip for my good boys out there

Fly wife: Notice anything?

Fly husband: …

Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job

HELP 😭

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

[trying to ride a horse]

ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!

GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.

phew

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks