Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
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Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
crochet youtube is brutal
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
No.
Lmao 😁
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.