Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
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So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Spoiler Alert: I was late
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes