Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
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Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
(Jupiter –
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it