Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
You Might Also Like
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.