Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
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2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Today’s Times
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.