Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”

OMG HOW AWFUL!!!

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

🤣🤣🤣

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot

them: do you think about other people when you have sex

me: when I have what now

Me: Gimme that bread, daddy

Priest: It’s Father

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

cop: know why I pulled you over?

fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.