Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
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Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
my retirement plan is braless
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.